During this time of great growth, or whatever this is, all kinds of terms get thrown around. “Open your heart, do your work, process, integrate, release old programming, downloads, purge, raise your vibration, set your intention,” etc. I think ‘raise your vibration’ is my least favorite. Hey, I am at where I am at, for God’s sake.
What I wish to pass on here is the actual account of all of the above, in human terms, in a real, time based, practical experience of mine. Where to start? For it is a constant unfoldment from aeons ago…okay, let’s take it from Saturday.
I went to a workshop where we focused on our first three chakras. I quickly realized that my 3rd needed the most help. I’ve been doing this long enough to realize that I would probably have some kind of aftermath, and indeed, crawling into bed that night was like getting to the toilet just in time to throw up. I instinctively got into child’s pose and wept, feeling the need for gravity’s help.
The next day I aggressively rubbed my belly and chanted Ram, Ram, Ram (repeating the active ingredient from the workshop). I need to insert here that the solar plexus, belly, 3rd chakra, is all about will, power, volition, and action. I once had a healer tell me point blank years ago that I had a huge hole where my 3rd chakra was supposed to be. Not the most tactful delivery, but she had a point.
The following morning, I awoke with a great revelation: almost all my problems stemmed from feeling disempowered. Many of my tears have been filled with a combination of anger, anguish, and self-compassion for… A lifetime of feeling like I’ve missed out…watching others self-actualize…not being able to ‘get it together’…using the fear of disapproval to motivate me—GAGCH!!!! (I hate that one the most…putting others on a pedestal, giving them more power than me, giving them the power to decide I wasn’t doing well, the power to disapprove…)
…feeling victim to the powers that be…watching my life ebb into the future as I do nothing…cycles of taking action and watching the seeds spring to life, and then crashing into the couch for days, a series of distractions to numb the pain of self sabotage…
All that contained in a moment of outrage, grief, and insight…And the glorious feeling that I finally knew what the problem was, where to focus. And wouldn’t you know it, I grabbed my phone and scheduled my massage trade and she was open that afternoon! I say, ‘wouldn’t you know it’ because I have witnessed over and over through this past week that things unfold with a kind of perfection despite me feeling like a failure. It turns out that Pat not only gives a really great massage, but also deep energy work, entity removal, and skillful belly massage. That’s rare.
So after the massage, again, I headed to the couch, canceling appointments to be with myself. Children’s movies, Star Trek, whatever required nothing from me.
When I woke up, some angelic entity said something to me and instead of heading automatically into the mental room of SHOULD, I was directed gently to the room of authentic being. I cried and felt loved. I wish I remembered more what the angel said. Wow, sometimes you get help like this.
Later I grabbed my good intentions and headed for Starbucks. I wrote out some goals and stuff, having the sensation that I was trying to pull stuff in at the same time that stuff was trying to come out. I just needed to cry, to write this, to feel, which my husband knew before I did. He suggested I write this. Sometimes you get help like this.
So here it is—How To Do Your Work: Sit quietly, breathe, and become aware of your interior. Where is the sensation? What color, shape, temperature is it? What images, words, or memories are associated? The memory part is really quite subtle, because you just think this memory is a random thought, but in fact, your psyche has been prodded and poked by some event, and it is showing you either the source or an aspect of this issue.
So pay attention to the memories, the songs, the movies, anything that really grabs your attention, because this issue, this pain, is now the filter through which your psyche sees, and wants to heal. When you get triggered by a person (or a political event! lol): After you plunge into victimhood or judgment, observe how you see yourself in the other; observe how you are treating their ‘deficiency.’ This is how you treat yourself. When you feel bent double, tied in a knot, stuck, or whatever, ask, “What do I need? What would help?” You may get a picture of a special place in nature, a particular posture…I often act out in my mind what feels good-like breaking things, pounding the ground,
really chewing someone out…this is an important part of the process
before you get to forgiveness. Really important. But put a bubble around you so
they don't feel it.
You may also think, “Oh I should call so-and-so, I should do some yoga, I should…” and if it doesn’t feel right, that gives you some clarity also. Knowing what doesn’t feel good pushes you toward what does feel good.
Yesterday when this stuff was really coming up, I needed to be still, to isolate, to not reach out in any direction, but rather reach in and listen, feel. So I want to remind you that there are aspects of this that you are good at; skilled, its your nature—like I’m really good at analysis. You are also learning other skills; maybe stopping, feeling rather than thinking, laying off the judgment and pressure to conform to this f***ing overly yang and loveless society’s demands… (lol, a little victimhood there maybe…I obviously have an overly yang and loveless character in there somewhere…)
This business of processing your feelings and COMING BACK TO SELF, BACK TO LOVE, takes practice. And we seem to be really hard pressed to do this work right now—like its unavoidable. Use the modalities that come easily: writing is one of mine.
What works for you? We need to feel and express that feeling. Sometimes crying is enough, and sometimes it isn’t. My daughter turns her pain into poetry which is unbelievably beautiful. The pain is really about loving yourself again.
Pay attention to who your inner child feels safe with. You can’t share particular issues with particular people because they haven’t become a safe place for themselves yet, and they are bound to go into judgment and fear. You do the same thing sometimes. So just call that friend you feel safe with because they have some medicine for you.
And after all this, you will no doubt need some rest. Our bodies, minds, and emotions do this when we are still, usually asleep. Don’t be surprised at the amount of sleep you need. And one other thing: I believe we are being challenged to flow with the current, dropping all our plans and expectations. Listening to ourselves has never been more important or necessary. Trust your feelings. Sound counter-cultural? Think there might be a reason ‘they’ don’t want you to listen to yourself? Let’s say it again: TRUST YOUR FEELINGS. And cherish them, take care of them. “Doing the Work” is all about loving and listening.